David Beckham Jokes

What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
Waste of Spice

What do Barry Manilow and David Beckham have in common?
They are both f***ing useless singers.

Why is David Beckham like a Ferrero Roche?
They both come in a posh box

What's the difference between David Beckham and Posh?
Posh Spice doesn't kick back when she's taken from behind.

What do David Beckham and British rail trains have in common.
They both go in and out of Victoria

What do the England footbal team and Posh Spice both have in common?
They've both been screwed by David Beckham.

Why did Posh Spice marry David Beckham?
Because he's the only fella who can lob Seaman at 60 yards!

What have a Cartier watch and David Beckham got in common?
Both come in a Posh Box.

When he got to New York after the match Posh Spice cooked him a special meal including pheasant. David didn't want it as he preferred to get in the jacuzzi. Its not the first time he's thrown the game for an early bath.

What's the difference between David Beckham and a new Airfix model?
One's a glueless kit...

David Beckham walks into a pub.
The barman says "Pint, Dave?"
Beckham replies "No, just a half then I'm off."

What do you get if you cross David Beckham with a useless lump of dog poo?
No difference!

Why does David Beckham lose when playing poker?
He keeps getting red cards.

What do you do if David Beckham throws a pin at you?
Run: he's got a grenade in his mouth.

Why are David Beckham jokes always so simple?
So Posh can understand them

Why does Posh have TGIF on her shoes?
Toes Go in First

Why don't Posh & Becks eat bananas
Because they can't find the zipper

Which Spice Girl is a vegetarian?
Posh, because she loves nothing better than a vegetable

What do you call it when Becks gets taken over by a demon?
Vacant possession

Why did Becks get excited after he took 6 months to finish his jigsaw?
Because on the box it said "from 2-4 years"

David Beckham walks into a bar..
OUCH!! It was an iron bar

What did David Beckham have for breakfast this morning?
Who cares.

Why does David get confused by his new Spanish friends?
He can't tell juan from another.

How do you confuse David Beckham?
Put a shovel and a rake against a wall and tell him to take his pick.

How does Posh change a light bulb?
She holds it in the air and the world revolves around her.

Why did David burp in the middle of a football game?
He thought the ref told him to take a freak Hic.

Why did David wear a fish's outfit onto the pitch?
He thought he was the team's kipper.

How does David amuse Posh Spice for hours?
He writes 'please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?
God doesn't think he's Alex Ferguson.

Why did David fall out of the window?
He was ironing the curtain.

David Beckham orders a pizza. "Would you like it cut into six or eight pieces?"
"Better make it six as I don't think I can eat eight."

What's the difference between spending the day at the circus and spending the day with David Beckham?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

How can you tell if Posh Spice is singing out of tune?
Her lips are moving.

David Beckham was told that he had a large gay following.
He ran down an alleyway and hid so that he could lose him.

Does your watch tell the time?" Phil Neville asks David Beckham
"Nah, mate," says David. "You have to look at it."

Why did Posh Spice go out with her purse open?
Someone told her she could expect some change in the weather!

Why did David Beckham throw bread down the lavatory?
He wanted to feed the toilet duck!

What's the difference between Posh Spice and a supermarket trolley?
A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own!

How can you tell that David's been working at your computer?
There's tippex al over the screen!

Why did David bury his drivers licence?
Because it had expired.

How did David burn his ear?
Posh called him up whilst he was doing the ironing!S

Why did David Beckham climb up onto the roof?
Someone told him the drinks were on the house!

Why did David cut off his hands?
So he could play the piano by ear!

"Dad," asks Brooklyn. "If you could have a conversation with someone living or dead, who would you choose?"
"Oh," answers David, "definitely the living one."

"David," asks Victoria, "do you think I need to file my nails?"
"No, darling," answers David. "Throw them away like everyone else."

A tramp walks up to Victoria outside a posh shop.
"I haven't eaten anything for four days," he implores her.
"Gosh," replies Victoria. "I wish I had your willpower."

"What's this?" David asks Victoria at the meal table.
"That's bean soup, darling."
"I didn't ask what it's been - what is it now?"

Why did David Beckham sell his water-skis?
He couldn't find a lake with a hill on it."

How did David Beckham get blisters on his lips?
From trying to blow out the light bulb before he went to bed.

How do you keep David Beckham busy all day?
Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.

What's the difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and David arguing with Victoria?
The man with a lottery ticket at least has a one in fourtenn million chance of winning.

How do you know if David Beckham has been sending emails?
There's an envelope in the CD drive.

Why was David Beckham surprised when he met Eartha Kitt?
He always thought it was a set of garden tools.

How do you change David Beckham's mind?
Blow in his ear.

Why does Becks go outside when lightning starts?
He thinks someones taking his picture.

How do you make Becks laugh on a Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Monday

Why does David Beckham take a ruler to bed?
To see how long he sleeps.

David Beckham walks down the street and sees a banana peel 50 metres away.
"Oh no," he groans. "Here we go again."

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