Diary

Seeing as you're is my diary, I'm going to tell you the real reason behind everything that happened in the Portugal game. For the first 20 minutes I was playing wicked and I set up two nice goals. Some of the crowd was singing brilliantly, and there was one really awful voice from the goalpost, no I mean behind the goalpost. Anyway. But then as I went over to take a corner, I spotted my beautiful Posh sitting in the crowd. She had made it after all. The recording sessions for the solo album that she was meant to be recording had mysteriously been cancelled, she said, so she had come out to Holland to tell me what to do. She said she wants me to take Brooklyn to Alton Towers on Saturday and I told her I couldn't because it was the day of the Germany game. She said: 'Well why not just get England knocked out, like you did last time? Then you can go to Alton Towers.' I thought that sounded a brilliant idea, so I told Scholesy and the Nevilles that we had to start trying to lose the game. The Nevilles pointed out that they'd already started, but Scholesy joined me in playing crap for the last 70 minutes. We ended up losing 3-2. Wicked. I went over to the boss at the end and tried to look all sad. 'We're out, I can't believe it,' I said. But he pointed out that we weren't out because it's not at the knock-out stage yet. I was gutted and told Gary Neville, who said: 'Well, why don't you just get yourself suspended for Saturday, then?' Because the game was over, there were no opponents to kick. So I went over to the England fans and stuck my finger up at them, in the full view of the cameras. I could see Posh beaming at me with delight. But then when I got the papers read to me this morning, they said the FA weren't going to ban me. Looks like I'll have to get a fake injury instead. It worked for Andy Cole without him even realising. There were loads of pictures of me in it showing a finger. This wasn't the number of brain cells I have but me making a statement to the world via the media.....

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